I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
