I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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