my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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