moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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