my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
