How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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