did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
