i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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