do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
