I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
