chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
