you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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