I'm so fucking centered right now
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
