By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
