Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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