and you said cock pushups were impossible
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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