So drunk its hurt
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
