I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
