its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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