false alarm. still invincible.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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