Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize