can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
