When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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