Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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