remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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