I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
