I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i black out too much to be "responsible"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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