hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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