Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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