So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
