I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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