based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
it's like heaven, but drunker
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
