Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize