my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
