i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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