Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
