there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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