Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
