so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm like, not good at living.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
