totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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