Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
