Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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