Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
