I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
