i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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