I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
