Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I intend to get homeless drunk
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
