Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
