I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
