One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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