I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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