I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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