Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
