I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
