There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
