Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
