just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
