Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
