last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
