Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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