Betty ford says i'm here all night
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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