call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
