apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
