I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
