Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
