he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
