They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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